Moving? Why god.. why?

How many of you have moved in the last 10 years?

In the last 5?

In the last year?

In the last 6 months?

This little bit is more about some of the pains that moving inflicts upon a person. (and begs the question, why do we do it?). Some possible reasons for the move would be work (new and existing), love (you crazy fool you), cost of living (yeah, those veggie snacks are getting expensive) and some just for a change of scenery. (its why I travel, besides the paycheck)

So lets get to it.

I'll skip the issues of where.. that's your problem. I won't bore you with mine. If you know me, then you know where.. if you don't, please send 5 USD to Sam Spade. Your first hurdle will be the choice of mover.

You pick from the super deluxe, do everything mover. They will want your first and second born, plus their usual fee of approx. 2 million USD. The upside is that your belongings will get the full spa treatment. They will be lovingly and gently transported to your new city/location with the care they deserve. The movers will lovely box your items with paper, wrap, blankets, the blood of virgins, and other items "guaranteed" to prevent harm to your antique cherry wood desk and your computer. They will be spritz with the scent of choice and will be cushioned against all manner of damage, curses, and evil spirits. Or so the brochure says. The reality is, they are boxed and flung on-board the moving van with all the care and respect a southwest airline baggage handler who knows he's fired tomorrow will give your suitcase. And that scent is not lavender and is illegal in 48 states. If all the pieces arrive to city at the same time you do, consider yourself lucky. (the screws are on the next truck, so no worries.. *smile*).

Your second choice in this tail of woe would be your mid tier mover. These are the ones that claim to move everything carefully, but the crew that arrives at your house looks remarkably similar to the extras in a Rob Zombie movie, and your not really sure if you should let them in, or call a priest (tis why I keep some holy water on hand.. if it burns, well, at least you know before they take your stuff) They are usually not too bad, not too expensive, and not quick. But as you watch them pack, you realize your items are not just being packed, but extras like floor sweepings, and rodents are being added for "cushion". (trust me, 30 mice do not make for an acceptable cushion for that charming 1 of a kind vase you picked up in Hong Kong). And don't forget.. you need to WAIT for these guys. The delivery date given is somewhere between tomorrow and December 31st 2040. Care to make a wager on where you fit in on that schedule? I'll wait while you think... Hint: Think soon. I need a new hot tub anyway.

And lastly, we come to the bottom of the barrel guys. The ones that have been under new management for the last 40 years. The ones that seem to be known by 200 names and using the same phone number (ironically, 1 digit off from a phone sex line, but that is another story). These are the ones that really scare you..they yell from the street "just drop the box, Dave will catch it" (only.... Dave does not seem to be anywhere near the "landing zone" or even in the neighborhood for that matter). That faint "help me" echoing from your boxes should be a clue. If you have books before you start, you will have pulp when they arrive. If you have glass before, you will have chips at the end, if you have computer gear before, you will have a self-assembly kit when it is delivered. During one of my moves, this group managed to break EVERY single item I had (including several Craftsman tools (sadly the warranty does NOT cover acts of Movers) EXCEPT for one small glass cup. (now that people, takes talent.. $15,000 worth of items destroyed and a .99 cent glass cup manages to survive). I highly recommend insurance for these guys.

And this segways nicely into the other group in this tale of horror. Moving insurance. These guys make Microsoft marketers seem like saints.

Let's experiment... trust me.. *evil laugh* Hold out your wallet, take out the credit card with the highest limit (or use a charge card, it will be easier). Remove whatever cash you may have on your person. Place these items into a paper bag. You can put a smiley face on it to make yourself feel better. Now, go into the kitchen and take a chop stick and jab your finger until it bleeds.. Let approx. 1 pint of blood fall into the bag. (why a chopstick I hear you ask, it hurts more to get the blood silly..) Finally, walk outside and find a machete and return to the paper bag. Proceed to hack your hair off and let these "clippings" fall into the bag (for my follically challenged readers, call your local best friend.. (he/she won't be your friend for long, so might as well give them a parting gift). now that you have this melange of items in this rather disgusting paper bag, take it to the park. (any park you like, but preferably one with muggers, rapists, and lawyers.. If none are around, yell out "My sexy girlfriend/boyfriend has lost their wallet near the hot-dog stand" (trust me, you will be surrounded by more of the above than you can handle). Walk 5 paces north east of this group of upstanding citizens and proceed to dig with all your might to a depth of approx. 10 feet using only your hands. If there is concrete, keep moving north east until you hit dirt. (why your hands? see the chopstick reference above... now don't make me pull this entry over young man). Once you have reached the specified depth, drop your bag in the hole, and cover with dirt. Now return home and wait.. patience... There.. do you feel it?.. the feeling that what you have just done made no sense what so ever, and now you are poorer, faint from the loss of blood and in pain, and looking used in a very bad way. That my friends is what moving insurance is.

But consider the alternative... *evil grin*

So my friend, buck up.. its only moving. Feel good knowing that you are giving employment to others and take solace in that at the end of this move, you will proceed to sell/give away/throw away because of the above the items you have hauled some 3000 miles away. Doesn't that feel wonderful?

I need a glass of sherry.