The Fools.. How Dare they..

Once again, the US government, in all its finite wisdom, and limited sense of perspective, has decided to make air travel just a little more difficult and unsafe for us all.

Its times like this that I do wonder how we even function. Prohibiting Toothpaste?.. Hair Gel, on carry on luggage? I mean come on, its KILLING the business traveler. Mom and Dad on their vacation with noisy Johnny and brat Jane can avoid to stuff everything in cargo (Dad and perhaps even Mom at times) I'm sure wishes he could stuff the kids there too, giving them a little private time.

Ummm...... I thought all of those little gadgets that sniff and check for trace amounts of drugs and explosive compounds, that check for electronics that don't look quite right (read: X-Ray machines and now Gamma Ray machines for cargo). All of the metal detectors and pat downs (hey, I made some new friends when traveling this way.. Sadly all men. *No George, I will NOT call you back. You patted me down, that entitles you to one drink that's all*) was supposed to... say it with me: PROTECT the passengers.

So if that is the case, why can't I,

• as a heavy business traveler (frequency not weight thank you very much Megan);
• as a person who does not want to wait the additional HOUR (max time was 2 hours on a US domestic flight. Don't get me started on international flights to/from the US. Ironically international domestic flights always get my luggage within 35 minutes or less... Perhaps the domino's guys got a new gig) to get my luggage at the endpoint of my flight;
• as a person who does not trust the screeners and handlers from stealing items from my checked in luggage (its happened to me three times and all the TSA says is: "well, it can't be helped, we don't control everything");
• as a person who is pulled for "random" screening almost every time; (yeah, I only WISH my luck was that good. I would be in Vegas at the Craps Table instead of writing this cra..err. I mean putting to prose this wonderful blog);
• as a person who deals with this on a weekly (and sometimes daily) basis.
• as a person who NEEDS to get on that plane to keep himself from going bonkers. (its on my HMO plan, so shut up alright?)

continue to use the existing "security" setup and definitions?

Because they want to appear busy. I seem to recall a line in Mel Brook's History of the World (funny movie) where something tragic happened to the town of Rockridge. His words were "Gentlemen, we have to do something. We have to protect our phony baloney jobs"

A joke, but I think its pretty much dead on right now with the TSA.

My own personal vote, (and don't think it won't come to pass.. just wait):

1. Treat us all like criminals (we already are, we just have not been finger printed, ID's taken and given an orange (or the colour of your local prison) jumpsuit. Ummm.. on second thought, just the jumpsuit. Everything else has already been done.


2. Anesthetize everyone when boarding, stack the bodies like the morgue. (the airlines will LOVE that. More bodies, less complaints. No feeding, or peeing, or anything. Just look at the little LEDs: Green is good. Red is Bad. If no one is awake, no one can pull any triggers, or set any explosives. And it means the Red Eye Flight is no different than any other flight. One upside to this, no screaming baby that we all want to eject. (Invite him in to play with the blue water) The downside, you can't chatup that cute girl who is setting next to you in my dreams only. (every flight I have ever been on, she's walking 10 rows ahead or behind me. and I sit next to the hyper chatty Mr. Gab. Or the Somber Mr. Gloom, or the "husky" Mr. Flab. They all reek of chilly or garlic or Gin (or in some strange cases all three) and I'm sure their mother's were hampsters and their father's smelled of elderberries.


3. More leg room.
   


4. No More Crappy movies. (I'm downright insulted by some of the movies that were playing. To be in their presence while playing made me feel dirty and cheap. Damn you Delta. Damn you to hell)


5. No more bad airline food. (trust me, your doctors will thank you later for this)


6. Makes the argument of who sits where a little less important. (Most annoying when you have a prime location (first exit row, aisle seat, next to that smashingly cute lady I mentioned before, and you are just about to whip out your best Noel Coward witty banter) and some tribe of 30 rolls down the aisle and wants to sit together. Your seating choices are now:
   
1. Next to the toilet (you might meet that lady again, but I think your topics of conversation are limited and just a bit hurried)
   
2. Next to that fat guy that reeks of the items I mentioned above.
   

You now have to be either a nice guy and send Delta the dry cleaning bill to rid your clothes of the smell. (on a 2 hour flight, its not bad, on a 14 hour flight, you want to send our little rotund and fragrant friend to the shower) Or be a complete bastard and tell them to shove off, its mine. In which case, you will have little Johnny or Jane (or even dad in one case) kick your chair constantly by "accident" to show how "upset" they are. Either way, you are paying an expensive bill.

So just wait my friends. Someone on high in the TSA or even their lapdog, the FAA will make this suggestion, put the right spin on it, and then you and I my fellow travelers are frequent flyer-sicles.

Its a wonder I leave the house huh?